BombermanBoard

Kalidascorp · #5 Posted: Wed Feb 23, 2005 6:37 pm

fine, no double posting, sorry. But here's another joke.

Speeding & the Wife

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer,
I had it at cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs
calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now,
don't be silly dear. You know this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and grows, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife
smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector
went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for
the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says
through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth
shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah,
well, you see, officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me
over so I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says,
"Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police
officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife
and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"

The officer looks over at the wife & asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking!"

This should be funny. I think it is! And this is another one!
it's EXTREAMLY LONG!
Called: My mother taught me...

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"

4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

I read the rules, there's nothing on having really long posts. this isn't my best joke..