START
(House lights fade to black. Cue the Twilight Zone theme. A spotlight shines to reveal Rukifellth sitting on a stool in the middle of the stage, his head bowed.)
RUKIFELLTH:
Hello, friends and foes. My name is Rukifellth. (He lifts his head.) Today, I'm here to talk to you about a Very Important Issue That Has Galactic Ramifications. I'm here to talk to you about the mean-spirited, ignorant bastardization and blatant stereotyping of a very legitimate way of life. I'm here to talk to you about...Talk Like a Pirate Day.
(Rukifellth gets off of his stool and levels a glare at the audience.)
RUKIFELLTH:
(Angrily.)
That's right! They've dedicated a whole day to talking like a pirate! And for what? Not to understand the lifestyle we lead, nor to understand the complex layers of the culture of pirating! What is it? It's a pathetic excuse for an awareness day. In fact, it's not even that! It's like Halloween come early without the candy! It's a dilution of our wonderous culture! As a space pirate, I am highly offended by the notion that all pirates must wear eyepatches. After all, my hair does the job for me. Oh, and the idea that we all say "arrrrrr"? Bitch, please. I can't help it if my bastard of a dad decided my name was rrrrrrad enough for me. Also, not all of us plunder booty, you know! (Pause.) Some of us like the front better.
LILITH:
(Offstage.)
Aye, Ruki-chan! Where ye be, yeh scurvy-haired sea slug? I be makin' ye walk ye own plank if ye don't git over here!
(Pause.)
RUKIFELLTH:
Arrr...me wench is callin' for me to plunder her booty. (He winks.) Moby *beep* be blowin' tonight!
House lights fade to black as Rukifellth walks off the stage, humming to himself.
END
BOMBERMAN:
(Offstage.)
What do you mean the hat doesn't look good on me?! If it worked for Rukifellth, it has to work for me!
KURO:
(Offstage.)
Shut the hell up and give me back my parrot.
***
Yes, I was bored. No, this makes no sense. Yes, I have a wyrd sense of humor. No, I don't do crack. (I do, however, write it, as evidenced by this post. Admins, feel free to delete at will.)
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