BombermanBoard

DragonBomber · #61 Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 5:23 pm

I shall not try and quote anyone here, too many instances I'd have to keep track of. Happy belated birthday to the other birthday mentioned after Matty, that I cannot see due to it not being on the backscroll at the bottom. This has turned into quite a Sociological-Psychological debate. Very interesting. Several of you here would have been joys to have in my classes while getting my BA in Sociology, and the notion of what love is, let alone what we are, would have stoked a lot of good debates in many classes I had, including the ones where we went over theories on how people come together, why they spark love, and so forth.

I can understand many of your perspectives, though I am leery of making any generalizations in either direction. Human nature as a rule, is the biggest generalization that people whip out, and it's simply an abstract that we want to believe in so as to put things neatly into a box. The reality is much different. The diverging personalities, situations, ideologies, and behavior of us, merely animals with more supposed understanding of our condition, is so varied even within a person in a short span of their lives, that even that one individual looking back at themselves later or before hand might be staring into an alien abyss.

I cannot speak for others, nor do I expect them to abide by my internalized set of mores, morals, and supposed beliefs. Even I change my mind on them as I go, though many remain semi constant and fixed like stars. I have always felt worthless, due to my childhood, due to my lowly place in society's underrungs. Instead of declaring war completely, I simply altered my idea of what my purpose was, and somehow along the way obtained a Christ/Superhero complex. Part of me is only happy when I am giving to others somehow, sometimes saving their day, even to the point of it damaging me or giving me nothing left for myself. Partly that is an expression of self hate, partly a desire to see myself making a contribution. It's a very slippery sharp blade. My religious beliefs are a hodge podge of faiths, my interests are everywhere, but it works to get me by day by day.

As per my wife, there is a lot more to the story of us, but it's not my place to bring that here. She loves me, not unconditionally, though early on it was clear that certain parts of the possible me that could be a person the world sees and experiences, even if it was a part that she helped create and invested in seeing bloom in me, could not ever live. She is faithful and tries her best not to unleash her anger at other things onto me. She is sweet, though she is wrathful. She is beautiful, but she can be ugly. She is like many goddesses of ancient religions, in being everything and nothing that you want all at the same time. Dual sided coin able to shuck you down the Euphrates when she is done with you.

I feel guys can be the same way naturally. They can do the same things, only I have only ever been in relationships with women so can only claim to know anything about that side, customize my message from that perspective and all that. I know what is inside me and what I could choose to do, were I so inclined. I could be a "bad" person, or a wrathful person, or a hateful person. I just don't really get much out of exuding those emotions on a daily basis so I am what I am now.

Some people have looked at my marriage and told me to leave it, to walk away. Financial issues, past issues they could not have gotten through themselves, occasional battles with certain devils of behavior, traits they find unacceptable. I nearly did once, but found myself still in love with her, despite being in love with another woman as well, who in turn was truly corrupt and had put us against one another for her own delight. Complicated lives for complicated people. All of life can be complicated depending on the lens one affixed upon it, how deeply you choose to dissect the day to day, the week to week, the year to year.

While I am a well of rage according to my avatar image (I was once a very angry person but have cut people from my life to reconcile their decisions and wrongs they don't care to try and right, and found meditation, and fasting cleansing), I am also a well of hope. I do my best to hang on for the ride, hoping my life will work out in some areas despite me having no control over those areas. I wait and watch, and listen, and if it happens, it does. If it does not, I remodel my behavior and re attune myself as required to stay above the waves.

It keeps me going, and generally I am a happy person, though debts and worries grind me down the same as anyone else. My only true fear is debt, so right now, I am not too ecstatic to be enduring the nightmare log ride though I still clock in every day and do my best.

My health took a turn for the worse due to extreme allergies, and right now I am enduring that wonderful trip of shots, pills, and pain, hoping my organs, joints, and so forth do not take undue damage in the process (a risk given the nature of my problem). My wife has stayed there and was the only one really concerned with me getting better, or in fact, making sure we knew what was wrong. No one else really was there or cared to push me to see the doctors. I don't know anyone else that would take care of me were it to become entirely and irreparably worse, despite me more than happy to help others were I able to.

Take that ramble for what it's worth I guess. It could be worse, it could be better. But overall it's not too bad. I have a lot of roads left to travel. It will be better when certain things are behind us as successful trips taken and not roundabout traffic turns still engaging, and worse when new drama or traumas hit us. Your experiences may vary, your opinions are bound to be different, and that is the positive of being what we are. We can be different, think different, act different, and within reason our societies accept it. The behaviors they don't accept, they eventually grow weak to when pushed enough, or they continue to oppose with more vigor. We are beasts of society as much as we are our own solitary monsters in a maze.

Thanks for the interesting read.